Chief Seattle Theme Park sparks revival of Northwest economy.
McGowen Enterprises and the Seattle Indian Nation announced today the opening of the Chief Seattle Theme Park. The Park exemplifies the spirit of the Old West. Patrons of the Park ride an old-fashioned wood burning steam train through typical scenes with wagon trains, Indians and buffalo.
Judson (He who scalped Custer) Seattle, Vice-president for development of the Park, said on Saturday,
Perhaps the most interesting feature of the Park is the opportunity to shoot buffalo from trains. As my ancestor actually said in his much mistranslated speech of 1855, "White Man shoot buffalo from train; White Man must pay for that. Ugh. ".Here is the price list.
1. Shoot with beebee gun. $1.00 per shot. If you kill the buffalo, you get your dollar back.
2. Shoot with bow and arrow. $5.00 per shot with our bows. $50 if you bring your own bow.
3. Sharps or Remington rifle. $50 per shot.
a. If you wound the buffalo but not mortally, you pay an additional $200 plus the veterinary bill (average $172.50).
b. If you kill the buffalo, you pay $1,000 provided we keep the meat. If you want just the hide, it is $1,500. To add more authenticity, the meat may be left to rot for $250, but a guard to prevent the homeless from getting the meat is $750.
c. If you kill the buffalo and want the meat that is $2,000 + $200 shipping charges to anywhere in the continental U.S. or Canada. Inquire about shipping to Alaska, Hawaii, and other foreign destinations.
d. Wounding the buffalo mortally, or badly enough so that we Indians have to kill it costs an additional $200.
4. Elephant gun or automatic weapon. Add $150 to the above prices.
5. Prices for the use of other weapons are negotiable. We have not decided whether we will offer the use of tactical nuclear weapons, but our lawyers believe that the following clause in our treaty with the United States permits their use on the reservation and at sea (for hunting whales).
In addition the United States will provide the Seattle Nation with such weapons and other equipment as may be required for hunting whatever game the Seattle Nation customarily seeks or may undertake to seek.A suit has been filed in Federal Court by our lawyers - supplied by the Bureau of Indian Affairs, Division of Treaty Compliance.
After shooting the first buffalo, Vice-President Al Gore said, "Opening this Park is a major step in the multicultural development that will show the world what our nation can do."
Other events include,
1. Re-enactment of the Battle of Little Big Horn. For $2000 a visitor can scalp Custer* himself.
2. Re-enactment of the Wyoming Massacre. Vice-President Gore said, "You don't have to be an Indian (or British) to enjoy the Wyoming Massacre."
3. The purchase of Manhattan. The visitors vote on who swindled whom. The Brooklyn Bridge is included up to the middle of the East River. Beyond that is extra.
4. The shootout at Pine Ridge. This adds a contemporary touch to our older history. Petitions expressing several points of view are available for signature.
* The role of Custer is normally played by an android. Special rates are available if the customer is an American Indian or if the visitor will settle for the second scalping of Custer.
Sometimes a potential customer with a strong sense of guilt has asked if it is possible for him or her to play the role of Custer in this drama. For male customers, this has occasionally been arranged. The price and the degree of realism can be negotiated. To female customers, we recommend considering a role in the Wyoming Massacre, but the necessary sense of guilt has to be very strong. In either case, it should be understood that to chicken out in the middle is unfair to other customers and will not be allowed.
Our only other legal problem concerns Custer's actual scalp which we keep on the altar of our chapel (adjacent to the casino). We would gladly give it to Custer's descendants (as their lawsuit demands), but our religion tells us that we are invulnerable to attack as long as the scalps of our chief enemies are prayed to every day.
It is very bad luck to interfere with Indian religion. The last corporation that tried it had to pay $63 million in punitive damages.
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I welcome comments, and you can send them to jmc@cs.stanford.edu
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