If I opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd want to call it Tramp-O-Land because you might think it was a store for tramps and that would not be the sort of impression we would want to give. However, I would not prohibit tramps from using our equipment unless their gyrations bothered the customers.
%%
When I was younger, I remember Old Man Beamish who lived down the street. Every Saturday he'd go down to the pond and get a big jar full of tadpoles. Then he'd nail them to a big wheel and spin it around and yell, `Tadpoles! Tadpoles a winner!' We all thought he was crazy but then, we had some growing up to do.
%%
Last summer, I was visiting relatives and my little cousin Sidney wanted to go to Disneyland. When we were halfway there I drove to an old, abandoned warehouse and said, `Awwww, Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried but deep down, I think he thought it was a good joke.
%%
If God is love and love is blind and Ray Charles is blind, then Ray Charles is God.
%%
I wish I had a kryptonite cross. That way I could keep away Dracula _and_ Superman.
%%
If there was a really bad storm with floods and hurricanes and tornadoes and somehow his dog lived through it and the next day he wound up on your porch, I think a good name for him would be `Carl.'
%%
Whenever I go into town, I like to carry two sacks with me. That way, if anyone asks me to help them with something, I can just say, `Sorry. I've got these two sacks.'
%%
Two plus two does not equal five, even for moderately large values of two.
%%
If you're ever on the Empire State Building, and you fall off, let your body go really limp like a dummy. People might see you falling and try to catch you because, hey...free dummy!
%%
I tried to pick which one was smaller, but neither piles looked very smaller.
%%
Maybe instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we still be brothers?
%%
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then, they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that.
%%
If you ever teach a yodelling class, probably the hardest thing to do is to keep the students from trying to yodel right off. You see, we _build_ to that.
%%
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
%%
To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
%%
If trees could scream, would be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might be, if the screamed all the time for no good reason.
%%
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
%%
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
%%
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp, juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all but a HUMAN HEAD!
%%
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
%%
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
%%
If the Vikings were around today, they'd probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
%%
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
%%
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
%%
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. Then I think, "Aww... who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"
%%
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
%%
If God dwells inside us, like a lot of people think, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting!
%%
Lydia was offended that I had used the word "puke", but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
%%
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.
%%
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
%%
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
%%
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what _is_ that thing?!
%%
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
%%
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
%%
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
%%
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.
%%
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
%%
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
%%
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
%%
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was _that_?!
%%
Did you ever wonder if there's a universe somewhere just like this one except for something really insignificant, and the _real_ you's in that universe, and the you in _this_ universe is just here for the purposes of this illustration?
%%
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down.  I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell.  When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch?  A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You."  After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
%%
Right before my grandfather died I asked him if he had any advice and he told me to never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
%%
If you're ever around when some one dies, look up and wave; they'll get a big kick out of it.
%%
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle.  Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
%%
Whenever somebody says that there is no life in the desert, it just makes me want to grab them and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard."  Then I take them out into the desert to where the circus is and show them the wide variety of zebra and clown life.
%%
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself.  Mankind.  Basically, it's made up of two separate words -- "mank" and "ind".  What do these words mean?  It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. 
%%
Children need encouragement.  If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess.  That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling. 
%%
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven.  It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmm, boy.
%%
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
%%
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attatched to the end of a long stick.
%%
Instead of trying to build newer and better weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.
%%
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.  And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
%%
Dad thought that laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
%%
If you're robbing a bank and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's OK to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
%%
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in a mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.
%%
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.  No, wait.  Not me, you.
%%
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our friend.
%%
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake.  That's called Houdini.  Love is liking someone a lot.
%%
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out of your nose.
%%
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol?  How about the pillow?  It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
%%
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
%%
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings.  But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
%%
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins.  Maybe it'll make everyone think how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
%%
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.  Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.