þ7#$ÂbÛ"¾×æ æ 000>pE¤E¤E¤E¤^FdFfFfÐG6x®5öG® GÎO.*OX‹“0O.GëCO.O.Úë7O.O.O.O.O.O. F O R E W O R D We are standing at the edge of an evolutionary leap where the .prevailing nature of relationship, namely that of a fixed leader and a fixed follower, is being seriously challenged. This pattern of relationship has encouraged misuses of power and reinforcement of . dependency, allowing for only `conditional intimacy' and punishing . vulnerability. Within this form human beings have to behave through . force and defensiveness, wear masks, have physical illness and hide low feelings of self esteem. Since we have come to realize that all persons need power, intimacy, and a safe context in which one can be vulnerable, the prevailing pattern of relationship works against what human beings need. This amounts to a lethal war within us which exacts great tolls .from our bodies, our minds and our hearts. In order to belong, we train ourselves to present our `should' face or mask to the outside world, thus giving false clues to others about who we really are. Then we punish others for not understanding us or punish ourselves for not being valued. It is no surprise that there are so many relationship casualties when we consider the ways in which we divide ourselves. Relationship is at the very heart of human concerns. We can change our relationship and therefore affect the way we cope with our concerns. We are discovering new ways to relate which can reverse the casualty count. The first is choosing to honor our respective needs for power, the ability to stand on our own feet, make decisions on those things which affect us, and to have the courage to say our real yes's and no's. The second is to develop intimacy, a condition in which we can experience feeling seen, heard, understood, touched, and accepted, and to offer this to another. The third deals with the creation of a context in which one can express one's vulnerability, revealing our doubts, fears and weaknesses, without fear of rejection or punishment. The means to all of this lies in our willingness to communicate, to share what is in our hearts, feelings and minds. Relationships which live in these new ways are strong, vital and positive. Issues and ego needs are not as likely to get mixed up. Self worth is high. There is no need to hide. The secret is out. We are all human. Within this kind of relating, the inner needs for connection, for recognition, and for mattering can be congruently manifest on the outside so one can truly feel seen. One no longer needs to divide one's self. Instead of feeling diffused and tense, the self can be focused and a sense of confidence heightened. This applies to all personal relationships. The ingredients of constructive pairing are the same. The same can be said of destructive pairing. Within non personal relationships the essence is the same, but the words may be different. Power would be more labeled as responsibility and accountability, intimacy labeled as trust and good will, and vulnerability as honesty. Our inner being has always longed for a new kind of way of being with another. However, we lacked the permission to express it and to act on it. What we need now is to give ourselves the courage to act on what we know. Until recently there was no hope of actualizing these longings, since it seemed like such an individual affair, so they were kept inside and festered or died there along with the person. Permission for becoming more fully human is popping up in all kinds of places. We now have more `permission' to discover ourselves, to enjoy ourselves, and to develop dances between us that are stimulating, fun, harmonious and productive. I find this book to be a pictorial treasure of how we act, showing the games we play, while trying to hide what we want. Out of these pictures comes a clear realization of what we are doing. With that realization, we can laugh at ourselves and be inspired to make the changes we need to make. Virginia M. Satir I N T R O D U C T I O N Why do all couples have such a difficult time becoming, and remaining, close? We all have one thing in common: we follow the steps of a dance which keeps us from getting what we say we want from each other in our relationships. It's a dance in which we use our everyday problems, fidelity, money, sex, children, drugs, jobs, to struggle over these issues: ...POWER... ...DISTANCE... ...and INTIMACY. It's called the Two Step; we all dance it in our important relationships, whether as mated couples (straight or gay), as friends and lovers, as parents, children, and siblings. Stumbling around on the dance floor can be dangerous to our happiness. In these pages you'll recognize yourself, your partner, and the steps you've followed in your Two Step. You'll also learn some new steps. I hope they'll make you more expert on the dance floor, and happier in your relationships. THE TWO STEP Every relationship is a dance with two roles being played... ...the SEEKER... ...and the SOUGHT. One is always in pursuit, the other on the run, no matter how close... ...or far apart the dance may be. This Two Step happens between lovers, straight or gay... ...parents and children... ...siblings and friends. The SEEKER is the `good guy' in all the love songs, books, and movies. The world applauds and encourages the SEEKER. The SOUGHT is the `object of desire.' SOUGHTS get plenty of attention, but very little compassion or understanding SEEKERS and SOUGHTS have very different ways of feeling about themselves. The SEEKER feels turned on... ...accepting... ...sexual... ...committed. while the SOUGHT feels disconnected... ...critical... ...neuter... ...indecisive. Then too, the SEEKER is rejected... ...wanting... ...needy... ...and victimized... while the SOUGHT feels desired... ...superior... ...untouchable... ...and abusive... SEEKERS see themselves as good guys and victims; the other guy is always wrong. They feel the bittersweet pain of being `in love,' yet rejected. SOUGHTS feel guilty for rejecting. Others desire them, but they keep questioning their own worth. They feel unloveable. Most of us have played both roles in our lives. You may be a SEEKER with your lover... ...and a SOUGHT with your kids. Maybe you're a SOUGHT with your best friend... ...and a SEEKER with your boss. But chances are you've played the same role... ...in relationship... ...after relationship... ...after relationship. Who's to blame for this dance of pursuit and avoidance? `The SOUGHT,' says the SEEKER. `She's always moving away. What's she so afraid of?' The SOUGHT is afraid of being overtaken... ...overcome... ...conquered... ...smothered... ...sucked up... ...possessed. SOUGHTS are afraid of being weakened... ...molded and manipulated... ...left without identity. Even as children SOUGHTS felt invaded. Care and affection seemed to be pushed upon them. The SOUGHT learned to protect... ...and protect. The SOUGHT is afraid of SURRENDER! For the SEEKER, nurturing and attention were often withheld. The SEEKER learned to please... ...and please! The SEEKER is constantly on the move... ...giving, initiating, and manipulating. The SEEKER is also afraid. He's afraid that if he stopped seeking no one would seek him. The SEEKER is afraid of being unwanted. Fear drives both dancers in the Two Step. SEEKERS, in their fear of loss... ...SOUGHTS in their fear of surrender. As we do our moves we trigger each other's fears... ...fears that keep us from feeling safe with each other. Out of our fear we vie for POWER. Power can mean who's on top? ...or who gets their way? Some power struggles are very basic. Other power struggles grow more complex over time. Some feel power in conquest. Others find power in thinking they've chosen beneath themselves. There is also the passive route to power. So which one of us has the power in the dance?... ...who controls the Two Step? Is it the SEEKER? He's got all the moves. Yet it's the SOUGHTS who can say `NO.' Unfortunately for SOUGHTS, `NO' is sometimes all they can say. Is the SOUGHT in control then? YES... ...as long as the SEEKER keeps seeking! Both dancers maintain their own control. Every Two Step has its own unique balance of power. When one of us starts to feel controlled by the other's moves it brings up old fears... ...fears that can turn our dance into an endlessly escalating struggle for power. Fighting for control is not the only way we deal with our fears of the other. We also use distance to keep us safe. You can create your own space... ...define your territory... ...put up a smokescreen... ...or a front. You can hide away... ...or drift away. We may be meeting needs for little distance with an office in the home... ...or needs for lots of distance by working different shifts. Who creates the distance in the Two Step?... ...the SEEKER... ...or the SOUGHT? Some SOUGHTS run at any possible signs of seeking... [He]: `This may sound crazy...But I'm dreading my birthday. Turning thirty has me feeling anxious.' `Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't just settle down and make some babies.' [She]: `What?! Are you kidding? You want to jeopardize your career?..Your friendships?..Your careless impulses?? Society's mores are changing, David. You don't NEED to prove your worth by casting yourself in the same monogamous provider role as your father! Maybe you just want to carry on the family name - make a little clone who can do all the things, have all the feelings, enjoy the life you've denied yourself?!! [He]: `But...' [She]: `Forget it David! I'm NOT going to MARRY YOU!!' ...and there are SEEKERS who jump at any sign of distance. [She]: `Honey, I'm going out to grab a smoke, OK?.. [He]:`Um...sure. [She goes out onto the balcony to smoke.] Hmmm...Why did she decide she needed a cigarette just now? Was it some excuse?...If she's tired of me why didn't she just say so?? She's bored with me..I can feel it. I'm driving her out into the cold!...She must hate me! Oh God, please no...' [She returns to the room] [He runs toward her frantically...] `Is it OVER??!' There are SOUGHTS who know how to hang in close... [A man and a woman upon entering her apartment...] [She]: `I like you.' [He-smiling approvingly]: `Ahhhhh...' [They begin to make love...] [She] `I want you. [He]: `Mmmmmm...' [She]: `I love you.' [He]: `Oohhh...' [After making love, at her door, hugging and parting...] [She]: `I need you.' [He]: `Uh huh.' [He, alone in the hallway, running away in terror...]: `AAAAHHHHHIIEEEEEE!!!!!' ...before they need to run. ...and there are SEEKERS who only seek from a safe distance. [He]: `You're really special. You really do understand what I'm saying.' [She]: `Of course I do.' [He]: `I never thought I could share so much of myself with another person, but I trust you!' [She]: `I feel the same about you.' [He]: `We've GOT to get together as soon as possible!' [She]: `Why, of course...we must.' [He]: `Just as soon as those bargain flights come back. I'll wing in for a weekend, what'ya say?' [She]: `Sounds perfect!!' There are SOUGHTS who only need to make small moves away. SEEKERS AND SOUGHTS tend to blame one another for moving too close or running away. However, we are not the victims of our partners' natures. We all, even SEEKERS, need some distance in order to feel comfortable in a relationship, ...and we are always dancing with someone whose needs somehow match our own. For example, in relationship after relationship, although our roles may change, we find ourselves the same distance from our partners. [Two men, talking in a bar...] [He #1]: `So why did you and Janet break up anyway?' [He #2]: ` It was my fault. All that traveling, long distance calls...Just a picture in my wallet to remind me.' That's why I got out of sales! I'll never put Donna through what I put Janet through!' [He #1]: `So who's Donna?' [He #2]: `She's this airline stewardess I'm seeing... You want to see a picture?' Very early in our relationships a distance is established... [She]: `Do you realize how long it's been since we've just relaxed together like this? [He]: `Yeah, I'll be glad when finals are over.' [Sometime later in the same relationship...] [She]: `It'll sure be different when the baby's born. I've been so preoccupied that I've been ignoring you.' [Sometime later in the same relationship...] [He]: `I realize working all this overtime makes it hard for us to see much of each other. That's why I'm looking forward to the promotion.' [Later still...] [She]: `Of course, if I wasn't involved in this campaign, we'd have more moments like this, but until these issues are settled I've got to take a stand.' [And, more later...] [He]: `Know what I like best about retirement, honey? No outside pressures to keep us apart!' Well, I'd best get back to my painting before I lose the sun.' [She]: `I'll just finish my novel. Only two chapters to go.' ...and that distance usually stays the same. Just as power is shared, distance is mutually maintained. SEEKERS look as though closeness is all they want... ...but they move in rhythm with the SOUGHT'S steps away. SOUGHTS look as though they just want to be alone... ...yet they pace themselves with the SEEKER'S pursuit. Over time our pattern becomes more and more predictable. We run the dance into the ground. For our relationship to be viable, alive, and open for contact... ...the roles must SWITCH. The SEEKER can feel `WANTED' when he is finally pursued. The SOUGHT can feel `WANTING' when she has room to move. If dancers switch roles, and switch often, a tired or destructive relationship can become alive and vital, even if it isn't always pleasant, easy or fun. Maybe we've been seeking for three months... ...two years... ...or fifteen. How destructive must our dance become before we switch roles? Ã?Ã@ÃAÃBÃCÃDÃEÃFÃGÃHÃIÃJÃKÃLÃMÃNÃOÃPÃQÃRÃSÃTúôúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúú @  `579?îô N À  þ ÿºíôˆÂÃÄÅÆú[ý‰ŸÀÂæèÍ '(>Tmƒ™Ó$>Zp†œ²ïBf|’Ãö At§½Óé